


Nonsense

by HYPERFocused



Category: Smallville
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, Drama, First Time, Futurefic, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-10-16
Updated: 2004-10-16
Packaged: 2017-11-01 10:38:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/355707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HYPERFocused/pseuds/HYPERFocused
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark could imagine the conversation now: "But Dad, I have to fuck Lex. Do you want all of humanity to die a horrendous death? No, not just Lionel."<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Nonsense

**Author's Note:**

> Written 10/10/2004 for a first line challenge on LJ

**"Errghufff-ug!" Clark grunts towards his release.** Unfortunately, it doesn't come. Instead, the great green Greeblesnort says (out of its left-hand mouth. The right-hand mouth is busy doing something obscene to what Clark can only assume is an appendage with no purpose other than pleasure. Greeblesnorts mate by the exchange of spores, making allergies in Greeble culture a far greater problem than they are on Earth. Consequently, their version of Claritin ads don't have adorable little children on them, as this would defeat the purpose of the drug - namely, birth control.) 

"I am sorry, puny human, but you have grievously mispronounced the name of the illustrious planet from which I have traveled, and for that, you and the rest of your kind must die. It is not "Errghufff-ug", it is "Errhuggff-eg." 

This does not look good, though Clark hopes he can disabuse the creature of at least one of its fallacious notions. If only Lex were here, he'd know how to handle it diplomatically. Still, Clark gives it a go. He's had half a semester of Intro to Diplomacy (which he was surprised to find had nothing to do with whether one wore their tassel on the right or left) at Met U, how hard can it be? 

"First of all, your Excellency, my apologies for the mispronunciation. It was an unintended slip of the tongue. Secondly, while I do look human, I am not." Nor am I puny, he did not say, but he thought it rather petulantly. "I am indeed the last of my kind, the Last Son of Krypton, known there as Kal El of the House of El. Clark hoped the creature - excuse me, The Lord Most High - could hear the capital letters in his Kryptonian name. I was sent to Earth as an infant when it became clear to my parents Jor El and Lara El that the destruction of Krypton was unavoidable. Please spare the actual human residents of this planet. They did you no harm." Phew! Clark was quite proud of himself for getting out such a mouthful without tripping over his words. Lex would be so proud. 

The grotesque alien thought a moment, then replied. "All right, I agree. I will spare the humans. But under one condition." 

"What's that?" Clark asked warily. He rarely liked "conditions". 

'Bring me the one you call 'Lex Luthor'. He shall be my consort for ten of your Earth years. Only then shall the debt be repaid.' The Greeblesnort smugly folded all thirteen of its limbs (all aliens are bipedal my ass, Clark thought.) 

"I don't think I can do that," Clark said. Lex belonged to him. He might not know it yet, Clark kept his feelings close to the chest, only letting them out in an occasional bout of jealousy over one of Lex's almost wives, or through judicious use of x-ray vision in Lex's private moments. The sweeping glances and "awoooooga" noises Clark made when he saw Lex drinking from his blue bottles, or bending over the pool table were subtle as well. He was as diplomatic as the next Super-powered Alien, but even he had limits. 

Unused to being refused, the alien thought a moment. "All right then, I have devised an even more loathsome punishment. You will be most sorry to have refused my more lenient first plan." 

"And what would that be?" 

"You yourself must take Lex of Luthor as your 'Ulf- _g_ , keeping him naked and attached to your Blagh-fraqli for at least twenty hours a week for fifty of your Earth years." 'Neff' (Clark was quite proud of himself for actually hearing the asterisk spoken, but compared to Kryptonian, this was like hooked on phonics.) The creature didn't specify what the Blagh-fraqli might be, but from the way he was looking down at Clark's crotch, he had a pretty good idea. 

In fact, Clark thought the alien's plan was a pretty good idea, too. Of course Lex would go along with it if it meant the salvation of all humankind. (Maybe Clark could get Lionel excluded from this group. The Greeblesnort might find him a worthwhile substitute consort.) He pretended to think about it. "All right, if you insist this is the only way. But I'm not sure Lex will agree. He'll have to be approached cautiously. Coaxed, even." 

"That is acceptable. You have one of your Earth hours to convince him." With a flash of blue lightning, Clark found himself standing in front of Lex's front door. Unfortunately, he was still wearing the outfit the Greeblesnort had insisted he don when he'd first been captured: a dark red leather thong that hid none of his assets, and none of his ass, for that matter. On second thought, perhaps it was fortunate indeed. Clark's wrists were encircled by a pair of glittery metallic bracelets, with the apparent power to beam him back to the place of his captivity. At least that was what the alien had told him. Clark knew he could easily escape all of this, but why look a gift horse in the mouth, as his father always said. Clark could imagine the conversation now: "But Dad, I have to fuck Lex. Do you want all of humanity to die a horrendous death? No, not just Lionel." 

It had been a little while since Clark had seen Lex. Lex had been busy with a new corporate buyout - this time it was a pharmaceutical company that wasn't doing science-fiction-esque research. (In point of fact it mostly made hemorrhoid cures.) Clark had been caught up in Freshman year hijinks, as well as studying for midterms. He was pretty sure they'd both missed each other. 

The door opened before Clark got up the nerve to knock. Lex stood there, still dressed in suit and tie, which he loosened as soon as he saw Clark's get-up. "Is there something you'd like to tell me, Clark? A new lifestyle perhaps? Or are you in need of money? Is the farm in trouble? Don't you know you can always talk to me about these things, and I'll do my best to help?" 

"Lex, I.... I do need something. And you can say no, but if you do, the fate of the entire planet will be in danger." 

"If you say so, Clark. What is it?" Clark could tell Lex didn't believe him, and why should he? Clark had lied to him on too many occasions to count. He just hoped Lex would agree with the plan anyway, out of self-interest, or even the opportunity to embarrass his friend in a particularly pleasant way. 

"It's like this. I was abducted by a very powerful and horrifying alien creature. And if I don't secure you as my sexual consort for the next fifty Earth years, he will destroy all life on this planet." 

"Is that all he said?" Clark nodded. For a moment it seemed like Lex somehow new about the alien's first demand, but that was impossible, right? 

Then the guilt got the better of him. "Well, he had a first request, but it was completely unacceptable." Clark didn't know if Lex would find this one more palatable, but he certainly hoped so. 

"All right, Clark. If it's the fate of the world at stake, then I certainly can't refuse. Why don't you come in, and we'll work out the details." He opened the door wider, putting an arm around Clark's shoulder, and running his other hand down to Clark's ass. 

"Just let me make a few phone calls, and I'm all yours." Lex sat Clark down on the couch in his den, making sure to put a towel down, just in case. 

"Okay, but I need to report back in an hour." 

"That won't be a problem. Just so you know, it wouldn't have taken alien intervention for you to secure my affections." Lex walked out of the room, cell phone already in hand. 

If he listened carefully (not that Clark would ever eavesdrop without good reason), he could hear Lex say "Yes, Mr Greeblesnort, it all went according to plan. You'll be receiving your payment momentarily. Thank you so much for doing business with LexCorp." 

The next thing he heard was, "Frank? Find out the cost of a controlling interest in Astroglide, and get on it. I've a feeling it's going to be big." 


End file.
